Found this via Tumblr. It’s probably the best way of describing depression that I’ve ever read.
“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”
So very true.
Around three years ago (almost four now I suppose) I began taking Cymbalta for depression and anxiety when Alan (my husband) deployed to Iraq. I had dealt with depression before many times (be it as a teenager or after having a baby) so it was nice to finally get on something to help it.
When I found out I was pregnant a couple years ago I switched to Zoloft knowing that Cymbalta was “too new” on the market and not tested enough with pregnancies. I ended up losing that baby but stayed on the Zoloft knowing that I wanted to try again for another.
Fast forward to now – I’m 7 months pregnant and am now on Prozac because the Zoloft made me incredibly sick. The Prozac doesn’t make me sick but it also doesn’t seem to be as strong as I need. Sure when I take it regularly I can get out of bed and “function” and all – but that’s about it. Every days just feel “ok” – I am just going through the motions of life and it’s kinda depressing. Maybe I need to up my dosage? Maybe I just need to “deal with it” for a couple more months until the baby gets here and then get back onto Cymbalta (which in my opinion worked the best for me).
I just worry that once I have the baby the good old Post Partum Depression will kick back in and the Prozac won’t help and I will be an even bigger mess. Depression SUCKS any way you look at it …
I’m okay – really – I am just tired of “going through the motions” each day and need a bit of a wake up call … or a swift kick in the ass …
This post was written a few days ago – but I decided to open it up because I’m finding that the depression that I’ve had over the years has seriously gotten worse. I’ve always felt that writing about it was easier and I wanted to bring attention to depression as an “illness” so here it is.
I do have to say that pregnancy-wise I’m feeling a little better now that I know what “it” is now (a girl). But I’ve completely dropped every single other ‘plate’ that I’ve been spinning. I even emailed my advisor at school to withdraw me from the two internet classes that I am taking. I will be getting “F’s” in both classes.
I will be picking up a prescription for Prozac today in hopes that I will be able to reclaim my brain. I will let you know how it goes.
I’ve realized (yet again) that I cannot keep up with the pace that I’ve set for my life. I can’t do everything which in turn makes me not want to do anything. I took a Zoloft this morning due to the fact that I felt the need to strangle someone (anyone) and remembered that I hadn’t taken any for the past couple days. I also keep forgetting to take my Adderall which makes me not able to keep any focus. Today alone I’ve jumped from five different things in the span of ten minutes. I don’t think any of it actually got finished either.
I hate not being able to function. It makes me sad, it makes me angry too. Most of all it makes me useless (as several of my friends and clients could tell you). Will someone PLEASE get me organized? I need help … and I need $$$ so I really need to get on the ball.
So, I just logged into MySpace and I see “Remembering DJ AM” .. wait – WHAT!? So, of course I head to PerezHilton.com and see that sure enough, DJ AM has indeed passed away. So sad! He was only 36 and had his whole life ahead of him!
Perez posted on his site that he believed the death might have had something to do with the plane crash DJ AM was recently in (along with Travis Barker of Blink-182); like he never got over it …. Ugh – was there no one close to him that could see he was having trouble?
According to the New York Post – DJ AM was found in a Manhattan apartment yesterday and was pronounced dead at the scene. There was also drug paraphernalia with him. SO SAD!
Seriously, what the hell is going on lately? It’s freaking depressing …