This post was written a few days ago – but I decided to open it up because I’m finding that the depression that I’ve had over the years has seriously gotten worse. I’ve always felt that writing about it was easier and I wanted to bring attention to depression as an “illness” so here it is.
I do have to say that pregnancy-wise I’m feeling a little better now that I know what “it” is now (a girl). But I’ve completely dropped every single other ‘plate’ that I’ve been spinning. I even emailed my advisor at school to withdraw me from the two internet classes that I am taking. I will be getting “F’s” in both classes.
I will be picking up a prescription for Prozac today in hopes that I will be able to reclaim my brain. I will let you know how it goes.
Depression is a nasty, twisted game your mind loves to play on your body. Depression controls you if you let it and it’s incredibly difficult not to let it. You feel fine one day – content with life, happy with your family, husband, children … but then one morning you just don’t want to wake up and face the day. You physically cannot raise yourself from that bed no matter how loudly Junior yells that he wants breakfast NOW!
You can’t even answer him – you think in your mind “there are pop-tarts in the pantry for you – help yourself” but it won’t come out. Junior’s whining gets louder and finally the volcano erupts with not the friendly and helpful statement from before but with venom and fire. “Shut the hell up! There are pop tarts in the goddamned pantry will you please quit screaming at me and just eat one!”
You then roll over in bed, place your pillow firmly on top of your head and wonder how people keep from holding that pillow over their heads a little tighter and trying to suffocate themselves.
The pity is that your body has this hella cool “flight or fight” thing that actually keeps you from harming yourself in such ways.
Now let me clear up the rumors before they begin – I’m not suicidal. But I do have the occasional thought of how life would be if I were to “abruptly” leave it. Sometimes I wish that the angel that helped Jimmy Stewart in “Its a Wonderful Life” would come down to talk to me. Talk some sense into my brain and my being.
I so want to be happy. I want to actually finish my education without being so burned out all the time. But then I think “for what” – what’s the point since I’m going to have a newborn baby to take care of at the same time I’m finishing up school – graduating with my Bachelor’s degree even! I was supposed to graduate and nail a completely kick-ass job so that I wouldn’t have to worry about the money to pay back my loans. But then again it happens and I realize I simply never finish anything that I begin.
I’m burned out from school. I hate both of the internet classes I am taking. I don’t want to take some stupid Networking class next term. I still have C# and Unix and plenty of other programming classes to take. I see absolutely NO END IN SIGHT and frankly, it scares the hell out of me.
My house is a mess and my body is a mess and my child isn’t helping and my husband is pretty useless right now due to an injury he sustained and has had surgery on. So now I’m taking care of my son and my husband. Meanwhile; I’m completely falling apart and no one seems to notice.
Getting pregnant with this baby has been a huge, huge mistake and it completely pains me to think this (much less write it). Sometimes I wish I could go back to the non-pregnancy days where I had my line-up of stuff to do and it always got done. School was very scheduled, our days were scheduled … Then, throw in that tiny baby and all hell breaks loose. Now, I’m feeling sick and getting sick all the time. I am exhausted all the time and getting nothing done. Not home work nor school work. No dinner is being cooked, no laundry is being cleaned.
Suffice to say I’m a complete failure. I hate not being in control of my life and my brain. But – as I mentioned before Depression is nasty. Once it’s got it’s claws in your brain it’s really hard to pry those suckers out.
I tried – I really did! I was put on Cymbalta which works for both depression and anxiety and while it was incredibly difficult to get onto the pills (I felt way worse before I got better) after awhile they worked. No more breakdowns or random cry-fests. No more thoughts of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up again. That is – until I got pregnant. I ran to the doctor’s office begging for other pills to take since Cymbalta wasn’t approved for pregnant women. I was then put onto Zoloft which was easier to get onto but just didn’t give me the same numbness that the Cymbalta did.
To make a long story short I lost that baby. So my 50mg of Zoloft went to 150mg of Zoloft which eventually evened out at 100mg.
When I got pregnant again I had been taking 100mg of Zoloft and also Adderall for my ADHD and also Ambien for my lack of sleeping ability. I pulled myself off the Adderall. Doctor said “no more Ambien” which broke my heart. How was I supposed to sleep now? The problem then arose that even bumping down the level of Zoloft didn’t stop the fire burning in my stomach whenever I took it. The Zoloft had to go. It’s been two weeks now and I can safely say I am breaking in two. Nothing is getting done around the house. I keep forgetting playdates that I signed my son up to go to. I absolutely do NOT want to do my online classwork. I don’t really want to do anything social at all. The people who I consider my closest friends I don’t want to be around. I just want to sit in my miserable bed and be miserable by myself.
I want to cry and scream. I want to raid the liquor cabinet and drink my brainwaves away. I want to drive as far as the roads will take me. Maybe south. South 95 down to Florida. Connect with some side roads that will lead me through Starke and Lawty past all the Macs and Peterbilts. Into the boonies. Connect with interstate 75 which leads me home. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep and wake up to find out that this whole life was nothing but a bad dream.
I try not to have regrets … I really do – but when you have lost complete control over your mental stability and you are screaming for help and no one is holding your hand dragging you back from the light … how is a person supposed to survive this?