Three Weeks

Alan leaves tomorrow morning (well, actually in just a few hours) for 3 weeks. I’ve never been by myself for that long before. I have so many plans for the house, so many plans to keep busy … but I know there will be a big void when he’s not here. I can’t sleep as it is although I am exhausted and still sick. We’re planning on getting up around 4am to leave by 5am. His flight is closer to 7am though. I am pretty sure Xander will wake up soon (he stirred and made some noise earlier, but he was just repositioning himself) and I hope it’s close to 4 that he decides to wake up for. Even if it’s 330 or something. Then, I can get him back to sleep for a little while so I can take a shower, wake up and load the car, and load Alan into the car. Hopefully he sleeps on the trip to the airport and back (and for awhile after … Alan will sleep on the plane … I don’t know when I will sleep. The drugs the doctor gave me for my stomach ache/nausea makes me so so tired and dizzy. I’ve been in a dream-state all week now. It sucks because nothing is getting done. And now I will be alone, with the baby, dog and cat for 3 weeks. I really hope I feel better soon. I need to SLEEP now …. ugh …

Protected: More and More

More and more I keep making “locked” posts … Pretty sad. I used to not lock anything on my blog … Tonight, again, Alan and I got into a fight. He makes me feel guilty for wanting a break (like, an hour mind you) from Xander. Today Xander was very much in play with me mode, he didn’t want to be put down and I to do such things like, use the bathroom, or eat lunch … We played all day … It’s hard coming up with entertainment for a 5 1/2 month old you know? Especially since the DVD player isn’t working right and I can’t figure it out. So, we played … Alan came home, plopped on the couch, and proceeded to play GTA. I was installing Sims on the pooter and Xander was in his playpen (for a few minutes, maybe 5?) Xander starts fussing, and I ask Alan to play with him for a little bit so I can finish installing Sims. He ignores me … this continues on for a couple more minutes and Alan finally picks up Xander. Plays with him for 5 minutes, puts him on his lap, and continues playing GTA. Xander doesn’t go for that of course, so Alan begrudgeingly (sp?) plays some more with him. Then, goes back to his game. Xander’s had it by now – and starts crying. Alan ignores him for a couple minutes. I’m like, Alan – he just wants to play with you! Alan gets mad, finally picks up the baby and walks around a little with him. 10 minutes or so go by and Alan had to “do something” so he plops Xander into my lap and I guess goes to the bathroom. Comes back, sits down, WITH A SUBWAY SUB FROM HIS CAR and starts playing GTA. WTF?? So, I give him a nasty look and I try to nurse Xander because he seems cranky and tired, (he comfort nurses, get off my back about it), but he just wiggles around. So, I decide it’s time to cook dinner. (Alan didn’t eat his sub, he just took it out to piss me off). So, I grab a box meal, make it, put it in the oven, set the timer and Alan says something, I don’t even remember what it was, and I grab my keys and walk out. I hear him saying “Fine! Just runaway” .. I went to Conny’s house for a couple hours. I called him when I got there to let him know where I was *sucker* and it had been over 45 minutes and he heard the oven beep and ignored it. I was suprised to come home a couple hours later to a non-burned dinner. I came home around 1030 to Xander screaming in his crib. Alan hadn’t done any bedtime routine with him, he didn’t have a bath, he wasn’t even in pj’s .. just in his onesie of the day SCREAMING. I pick him up and calm him a little and try to change him into pj’s but he starts screaming again. No dice – just nurse … So, I nursed him, he fell asleep around 11. Woke up again around 1130 but I just gave him some gas drops and rocked him a little and put him back in his crib and he fell back asleep. Alan went to bed around 1130 – and the door is closed. The air is on, and it vibrates the window in our room when the door is shut. So, it’s gotta be annoying. I guess this means I’m not allowed in there? I have no idea where the dog is either … Guess I have to clean off the couch …. Damn bastard. I have a “mental health” appointment on Wednesday …. Doesn’t mean it will change anything. I will be put on some drug that is meant to “cure” me and what I really need is my husband to get off his ass and take responsibility. I really hate my life … Sometimes I just want to pack up my stuff and my son and just … leave. He doesn’t seem to want us around anyway. Xander is a bother to him it seems, and I am just supposed to cook and clean and give him ass whenever he wants it. I can barely drag myself out of bed each day …

Protected: Bitch, bitch, bitch …

I guess I’m a bad mom, I really wanted to sleep until … well .. ELEVEN or something this morning, because, you know, “Daddy” took leave for a couple days so he’s not working today. So, when Xander woke up at 7:30am I handled him until 8am, then got him to “sleep” and put him back in his crib. And I told “Daddy” that I really wanted to sleep. Xander didn’t want to come in bed and snuggle, I tried that at 7:30. So, he wakes up 10 minutes later, and I groan and am like, okay, can I have the morning off a bit? Alan groans of course, but goes in, and comes back into the bedroom every 5 minutes it seems (meanwhile, I’m trying to GET SOME SLEEP). So finally, he comes back in and I hear the charming (but overused) theme song to Baby Mozart and the *bounce bounce SPRING* of the Jumparoo. Alan’s back in bed, baby’s with the “baby sitter” as we like to call it. Fine, but after a half hour (as it always does) Mozart loses it’s charm and Xander is whining. So, Alan goes to get him, and I say (as a martyr would) “Oh, just bring him to me and I will snuggle [nurse and try and get to sleep] him.” – so he does, without checking why ELSE might a BABY be whiney. He had a dirty (ew!) diaper of course. But, Alan brought him to me, and I tried to nurse him on both sides, with him squirming and moving all over … so after about 5 minutes of nipple-olympics I give up and pick him up to take him to the rocking chair and I notice the normal “dirty diaper” smell. I change him, and now he’s a happy (mind you awake) boy. So, right now we’re still watching Mozart (because I didn’t feel like turning it off) and Xander is happily rolling (for now) in his play pen with some animals and I have some net time. Alan doesn’t realize that all he wants is to be able to look up and see one of us “hanging out” with him. He doesn’t realize it’s not about him anymore, it’s about the baby. And I do it every single day, and I just wanted a couple hour break today. But no …. that’s too hard for him. He “works” and goes to class everyday … I love being a mom, I love Xander, but everyone needs a BREAK sometimes. Everyone tells me to “just have him take the baby for a couple hours” or they say “he needs to help you!” but they don’t realize that HE WON’T!! So, I drink, and I cry and I want to go home and NOT COME BACK ….. I just need a break, and it’s sometimes (most of the time) easier when Alan isn’t around because when he IS around I hope/think he’s going to help (damn eternal optimist) and when he doesn’t I resent him SO much, but when he’s not around he can’t obviously help me. Sure his life changed when the baby came, a new annoyance came into his world to attempt to make him get off his ass and do something (god, ANYTHING??) but as far as late nights? night feedings? getting the baby back to bed at 4am when he just woke up at 2am (and then again at 5:30am) … He’s got it so easy. And I know this was my choice, and I knew it would be hard, but my stupid ass thought that my HUSBAND, you know, that would be DADDY would help more. Guess I’m just an idiot ….

All in a Days Work

Well, today was the huge clean-a-thon. Both Alan and I worked our tails off … the baby’s room is well on it’s way to being organized, the living room is clean, the kitchen is clean, the bedroom is on it’s way and the bathroom is clean. Nice! Even the middle porch is clean (go Alan)! I went shopping for an hour too today – I bought a Bissel carpet cleaning thing (a small one) and a pool for Samson (yup, but if Xander wants in it he can go in it also lol) – the pool cost me a whole $1.50 :) It’s all plastic and about 4 feet across and a foot deep. Perfect :) Also, getting Xander to bed wasn’t too too hard .. he only cried for 20 minutes, I went in and nursed him and he fell asleep ten minutes later. He’s been asleep since 12am (and it’s now going on 3am) so he should be waking up soon according to HIS 3 hour rule ;) I heard him squeaking a little a couple minutes ago, so who knows. I will go check on him in a minute before I try to go to bed. He will prolly wait until I am snug in there to wake up. I really want to take a bath also … rar .. what to do! :)