I guess I’m a bad mom, I really wanted to sleep until … well .. ELEVEN or something this morning, because, you know, “Daddy” took leave for a couple days so he’s not working today. So, when Xander woke up at 7:30am I handled him until 8am, then got him to “sleep” and put him back in his crib. And I told “Daddy” that I really wanted to sleep. Xander didn’t want to come in bed and snuggle, I tried that at 7:30. So, he wakes up 10 minutes later, and I groan and am like, okay, can I have the morning off a bit? Alan groans of course, but goes in, and comes back into the bedroom every 5 minutes it seems (meanwhile, I’m trying to GET SOME SLEEP). So finally, he comes back in and I hear the charming (but overused) theme song to Baby Mozart and the *bounce bounce SPRING* of the Jumparoo. Alan’s back in bed, baby’s with the “baby sitter” as we like to call it. Fine, but after a half hour (as it always does) Mozart loses it’s charm and Xander is whining. So, Alan goes to get him, and I say (as a martyr would) “Oh, just bring him to me and I will snuggle [nurse and try and get to sleep] him.” – so he does, without checking why ELSE might a BABY be whiney. He had a dirty (ew!) diaper of course. But, Alan brought him to me, and I tried to nurse him on both sides, with him squirming and moving all over … so after about 5 minutes of nipple-olympics I give up and pick him up to take him to the rocking chair and I notice the normal “dirty diaper” smell. I change him, and now he’s a happy (mind you awake) boy. So, right now we’re still watching Mozart (because I didn’t feel like turning it off) and Xander is happily rolling (for now) in his play pen with some animals and I have some net time. Alan doesn’t realize that all he wants is to be able to look up and see one of us “hanging out” with him. He doesn’t realize it’s not about him anymore, it’s about the baby. And I do it every single day, and I just wanted a couple hour break today. But no …. that’s too hard for him. He “works” and goes to class everyday … I love being a mom, I love Xander, but everyone needs a BREAK sometimes. Everyone tells me to “just have him take the baby for a couple hours” or they say “he needs to help you!” but they don’t realize that HE WON’T!! So, I drink, and I cry and I want to go home and NOT COME BACK ….. I just need a break, and it’s sometimes (most of the time) easier when Alan isn’t around because when he IS around I hope/think he’s going to help (damn eternal optimist) and when he doesn’t I resent him SO much, but when he’s not around he can’t obviously help me. Sure his life changed when the baby came, a new annoyance came into his world to attempt to make him get off his ass and do something (god, ANYTHING??) but as far as late nights? night feedings? getting the baby back to bed at 4am when he just woke up at 2am (and then again at 5:30am) … He’s got it so easy. And I know this was my choice, and I knew it would be hard, but my stupid ass thought that my HUSBAND, you know, that would be DADDY would help more. Guess I’m just an idiot ….
Jul 1, 2005