Protected: More and More

More and more I keep making “locked” posts … Pretty sad. I used to not lock anything on my blog … Tonight, again, Alan and I got into a fight. He makes me feel guilty for wanting a break (like, an hour mind you) from Xander. Today Xander was very much in play with me mode, he didn’t want to be put down and I to do such things like, use the bathroom, or eat lunch … We played all day … It’s hard coming up with entertainment for a 5 1/2 month old you know? Especially since the DVD player isn’t working right and I can’t figure it out. So, we played … Alan came home, plopped on the couch, and proceeded to play GTA. I was installing Sims on the pooter and Xander was in his playpen (for a few minutes, maybe 5?) Xander starts fussing, and I ask Alan to play with him for a little bit so I can finish installing Sims. He ignores me … this continues on for a couple more minutes and Alan finally picks up Xander. Plays with him for 5 minutes, puts him on his lap, and continues playing GTA. Xander doesn’t go for that of course, so Alan begrudgeingly (sp?) plays some more with him. Then, goes back to his game. Xander’s had it by now – and starts crying. Alan ignores him for a couple minutes. I’m like, Alan – he just wants to play with you! Alan gets mad, finally picks up the baby and walks around a little with him. 10 minutes or so go by and Alan had to “do something” so he plops Xander into my lap and I guess goes to the bathroom. Comes back, sits down, WITH A SUBWAY SUB FROM HIS CAR and starts playing GTA. WTF?? So, I give him a nasty look and I try to nurse Xander because he seems cranky and tired, (he comfort nurses, get off my back about it), but he just wiggles around. So, I decide it’s time to cook dinner. (Alan didn’t eat his sub, he just took it out to piss me off). So, I grab a box meal, make it, put it in the oven, set the timer and Alan says something, I don’t even remember what it was, and I grab my keys and walk out. I hear him saying “Fine! Just runaway” .. I went to Conny’s house for a couple hours. I called him when I got there to let him know where I was *sucker* and it had been over 45 minutes and he heard the oven beep and ignored it. I was suprised to come home a couple hours later to a non-burned dinner. I came home around 1030 to Xander screaming in his crib. Alan hadn’t done any bedtime routine with him, he didn’t have a bath, he wasn’t even in pj’s .. just in his onesie of the day SCREAMING. I pick him up and calm him a little and try to change him into pj’s but he starts screaming again. No dice – just nurse … So, I nursed him, he fell asleep around 11. Woke up again around 1130 but I just gave him some gas drops and rocked him a little and put him back in his crib and he fell back asleep. Alan went to bed around 1130 – and the door is closed. The air is on, and it vibrates the window in our room when the door is shut. So, it’s gotta be annoying. I guess this means I’m not allowed in there? I have no idea where the dog is either … Guess I have to clean off the couch …. Damn bastard. I have a “mental health” appointment on Wednesday …. Doesn’t mean it will change anything. I will be put on some drug that is meant to “cure” me and what I really need is my husband to get off his ass and take responsibility. I really hate my life … Sometimes I just want to pack up my stuff and my son and just … leave. He doesn’t seem to want us around anyway. Xander is a bother to him it seems, and I am just supposed to cook and clean and give him ass whenever he wants it. I can barely drag myself out of bed each day …

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